Let's call this cathartic....

When I started going to college, some 13 years ago, it marked what was effectively the start of a long, slow uphill climb for me. At that age, I was nowhere near the sort of person I wanted to be. I was almost painfully shy, was never able to truly stand up for myself (the words just seemed to stop at the back of my throat), I had a poor self image in most areas, and I wasn't able to really let loose and have fun unless I had a few drinks in me (since I hardly ever drank, that was not very often). I won't say where I got these traits or how, but I think most of you can guess.

I had a string of relationships through college which were, shall we say....emotionally trying. It was one particular relationship that started my backbone growing, though. After I'd set him straight in a painful way (for him)... that was where my long, slow, and still-going climb out of that shell I was in got it's beginning. Over the next few years, I had two relationships that not so much tested my reserve as laid me bare so I could rebuild myself in the image of the person I so desperately wanted to be. Though I made the decision to end both of them, it took a few years to heal from these two relationships. In that time I eschewed dating altogether and was, in fact, totally afraid of men.

In some points in my life, I happily received the changes that were happening in my character and in my life, but in other points in my life, the changes were so fundamentally altering that it left me feeling raw and vulnerable and very emotional. That was the feeling of my spine straightening and growing stronger. It was the feeling of the parts of me that were at odds finally meeting and accepting each other. I was left bare so that I could be rebuilt from scratch (or so it seems).

In short, I have come a long way in those 13 or so years. In this last while, I have not had to face it alone, the way it seemed I always had to before. I share myself with someone who both takes me apart and helps put me back together again, stronger. Also, in this last while, things have happened in my life that have reminded me that although I have come far and am getting closer to the "me" I love, I still have a long way to go. My loner-ness is being called into question and, if I don't force myself to be more outgoing, I can lose my job. I am at a healthy size of 5'8" tall and 190 pounds, but my self-image was called in question yesterday when a total stranger on the bus began calling me a fat pig and making oinking sounds. It hurt, no doubt about it.

A very large part of me wonders if I am equipped to make such giant changes in my fundamental personality. I don't know that I am strong enough...but the option is to give up and know defeat. I don't know whether or not this is a testing point, whether or not it's important for me to take it on as a challenge, or move on. Won't I be beaten up equally either way?

I keep telling myself.... I have gotten this far, what's a little further? I am laid bare again, it's seems.