Let's call this cathartic....

When I started going to college, some 13 years ago, it marked what was effectively the start of a long, slow uphill climb for me. At that age, I was nowhere near the sort of person I wanted to be. I was almost painfully shy, was never able to truly stand up for myself (the words just seemed to stop at the back of my throat), I had a poor self image in most areas, and I wasn't able to really let loose and have fun unless I had a few drinks in me (since I hardly ever drank, that was not very often). I won't say where I got these traits or how, but I think most of you can guess.

I had a string of relationships through college which were, shall we say....emotionally trying. It was one particular relationship that started my backbone growing, though. After I'd set him straight in a painful way (for him)... that was where my long, slow, and still-going climb out of that shell I was in got it's beginning. Over the next few years, I had two relationships that not so much tested my reserve as laid me bare so I could rebuild myself in the image of the person I so desperately wanted to be. Though I made the decision to end both of them, it took a few years to heal from these two relationships. In that time I eschewed dating altogether and was, in fact, totally afraid of men.

In some points in my life, I happily received the changes that were happening in my character and in my life, but in other points in my life, the changes were so fundamentally altering that it left me feeling raw and vulnerable and very emotional. That was the feeling of my spine straightening and growing stronger. It was the feeling of the parts of me that were at odds finally meeting and accepting each other. I was left bare so that I could be rebuilt from scratch (or so it seems).

In short, I have come a long way in those 13 or so years. In this last while, I have not had to face it alone, the way it seemed I always had to before. I share myself with someone who both takes me apart and helps put me back together again, stronger. Also, in this last while, things have happened in my life that have reminded me that although I have come far and am getting closer to the "me" I love, I still have a long way to go. My loner-ness is being called into question and, if I don't force myself to be more outgoing, I can lose my job. I am at a healthy size of 5'8" tall and 190 pounds, but my self-image was called in question yesterday when a total stranger on the bus began calling me a fat pig and making oinking sounds. It hurt, no doubt about it.

A very large part of me wonders if I am equipped to make such giant changes in my fundamental personality. I don't know that I am strong enough...but the option is to give up and know defeat. I don't know whether or not this is a testing point, whether or not it's important for me to take it on as a challenge, or move on. Won't I be beaten up equally either way?

I keep telling myself.... I have gotten this far, what's a little further? I am laid bare again, it's seems.

Well, the new year has come upon us, and I find myself on the downward slide to The Big Move. I have decided that, since my weekday schedule is so hectic and since I am hoping to work right up to within 2 or 3 days of me leaving, beginning to pack now and ship a box of my things every month is probably my best choice.  I won't be taking my furniture... it will be me, my cat, his belongings, 4 or 5 boxes, and my luggage.  As I begin the long process of selling off and packing up almost everything I have accumulated in my life in these past few years, I'm discovering how easy it is to let go for me to now let go of the past and to sum my life up into what can carried in a few boxes and bags.

Well, it is easy in one way, and difficult in another. In letting go of these things, I'm also letting go of what has been my safety net for a long time.  My heart tells me the choice I am making is right, and that it will only be good for me, but my mind panics a little at the thought of moving away from so much that I know and am comfortable with. Still, I am happy to do it and looking forward to finally getting to live with my lover... and perhaps settle down and start a family, gods willing. :)

Well... although 2008 was ushered in in a less than spectacular way, I know that this will be a year of spectucalur things. Firstly, I am starting a new business... or rather, I started it late last year, but will be driving it forward this year- this is on top of the business I already own. Second and, I think, most important, is having to pare down my personal belongings and household possessions to roughly 4 boxes and a few peices of luggage so that my cat and I can move to BC to be with my lover (proprietor of Greyhawk Studios, which can be found here:( http://greyhawkstudios.deviantart.com/ or here:  http://www.greyhawkstudios.com/ )- I currently live in Ontario. This will happen in May so, until then, I will not only be pinching and scraping every spare penny I can rub together, but also looking for ways that I can make money. The reason I am starting that new business is because it's one that I can potentially take with me.

These are just the two things I know about, but I can sense that this year will usher in a major life shift for me that will affect all areas of my life. Am I ready for it? I don't really know.... I guess we'll see.

Well, my beautiful trip to Victoria BC has now (alas) been and gone.  I can safely say that it was everything I hoped it would be.  The city and environs are beautiful, and I felt wonderfully at home there.  The man I went to meet?  Just as beautiful, and I felt 'at home' with him too. It didn't take me long after getting off the plane and seeing/holding him for the first time to verify that we were 'meant'.  I went thinking: "This man could be the future father of my children".  I came back knowing it was definately him. I went with an equal share of worries, 'what ifs', doubts, only to have them laid to rest when I got there.  He's wonderful, the place is wonderful, his parents love me, and his friends keep telling him to bring me back! (hehehehe)

What we had begun to develop over a distance became stronger, warmer, and deeper, when I finally got to be with him.  We have made plans for me to leave Ontario in May of next year to go to BC and live with him.  Right now, I shall half to suffer through 6 months of not being near him, though.  Oh well... now that I know what the goal is, the wait will bearable.

6 years ago, I began to talk to a man named Keith online, and we hit it off really well. I didn't really know what he looked like at the time, as it never occured to me to ask, but I really enjoyed talking to him and found we had good chemistry online and on the phone. At that point in my life, I was very shy and freshly out of college. I liked to flirt with this man, and he with me, but I never really figured anything would come of it since we lived at opposite ends of the country. I had a certain view of him, without seeing his pic, and in my head he was a middle aged somewhat over-eager "pervy old man" type. Because of this, and because of my mindset at the time and the distance between us, I never really thought we would ever meet. It was shortly after I met this man that I met the fellow who, a year or so down the line, would propose to me. When that happened, I agreed to move to scotland, as that was where he was from and he had some debts to pay off there before we could 'officially' move back to Canada. While I was living there, conversation with Keith petered off to nothing. My mind was full of my husband, and full of being a good little wife, so I had stopped chatting online all together. I missed talking to him, but I didn't want my husband to get the wrong impression- I know full well he would have.

My husband started off charming, loving, attentive... anything a good husband should be. I fell head over heels very quick for him. He had proposed to me a whopping two days after meeting me, and I said yes then. We had moved to scotland about 5 months later (he was visiting Canada), in october 2001, and were married in May 2003. Although he had started to show his negative side a bit before we married, he didn't really begin his downhill run until after. He was emotionally demanding and controlling, and it got worse and worse. At first I thought it was just that he was depressed about having to live in scotland when he so wanted to be Canadian (he hated his roots, I never really understood why). We moved back to Canada in May 2004 and, while there, intiated sponsorship for him. I shelled out $1400 to pay for the sponsorship, and it stayed "in progress" for a long time; he couldn't work in that time either, so I was the only bread winner. I had thought the move to Canada would improve his attitude, but it didn't- his attitude only got worse.

In November 2004, I'd finally had enough. My confidence was low from enduring his emotional projections for too long, and so I finally gathered up enough courage to say I wanted a separation. It took every ounce of strength I had to resist him when he begged and pleaded with me. As it happened at the same time I had begun chatting with another person, and we emailed back and forth. There was a sort of emotional attachment- this man appeared to boost my confidence and give me the attention I wanted and the freedom to do what I wanted. When I stood my ground with my husband, he had to move back to Scotland, as the sponsorship was not complete.

Shortly after he left, I mistook my anger with him for being over him, and launched right into a relationship with this new guy. As a consequence, two of my immediate family members ceased talking to me (I won't go into that more). This fellow moved to Ottawa to be with me, and his character did a complete 180. He did to my confidence in 3 months what my husband did in 3 years. After I managed to kick him out and sell all his things (snicker snicker), my confidence and my opinion of men were both at an all-time low. It was then that I managed to reconnect with Keith. I finally got to see what he looked like, and he told me more about himself and his life. He waited and listened patiently as I ranted and raved and cried and shrugged off my emotional burdens over time. He helped me get over some of my problems, and I listened to his and helped when I could. We both gave and took in equal amount. There came and went two short relationships which did much to redeem my opinion of men and myself, but they came at the wrong time and were not right for me. I am still friends with these two men however, and love them in my own way.

It was only just before the last relationship that I thought maybe Keith and I could meet, someday. I thought "If we could meet, I think we'd be perfect for each other". As I got to know him more and more, he confided more things in me, and opened up about his feelings towards me... and I discovered I had strong feelings for him, but not in the same way as I did for my husband and the guy that came after him. These are different.... almost purer, if I could use such a word for it. Even still, meeting him was like a pipe-dream for me... something I didn't really think I could attain. I have more confidence in myself and am finally ready to be in a working relationship of mutual give-and-take. We had a kind of arrangement before, where we could act and talk like partners, but if someone came along that was right for either of us, we could go back to being 'just friends'. I realise that he could be a total opposite like those two I spoke of before, but something deep inside me tells me to trust my feelings about him... and they say to me that he is gold.

After my last relationship ended, I decided I was in a good financial position to book a vacation to go and meet him. Also, I was ready to emotionally. We have always been using a sort of "if it works" approach to our conversations about us, but if you can imagine, there was an underlying mutual opinion that it will anyway. I booked the tickets about 5 months ago, and the time between now and then has been blessedly quick in ticking away. I feel like something monumental is about to happen, or like I am poised on the edge of a deep but warm pool, about to jump in. My heart flutters with a million butterflies as I think that, after so long, tomorrow I finally get to meet the man I have longed to meet for almost 6 years.